Sometimes you just gotta let it go........

So I've been pretty much been freaking out about my relationship for that last month or so. It's one of those, if it's too good to be true, it probably is scenario's. Everything seems so perfect, that you have your guard up because you're constantly waiting for the other foot to drop and your happy ending is going to get ripped away from you.

Now, I did have somewhat of a reason to be panicky that I won't really get into but in the end what I have is this amazing guy who loves me and would do anything in the world to take care of me and keep me safe. I may not understand everything he does, why he says (or doesn't say) the things he does sometimes, and I may not like the way he has such a need to keep everything so private but I've never had to question how he really felt about me.

He didn't end up leaving like he was going to for a few months. I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I was to get the phone call before he was supposed to get on the plane telling me he wasn't going and asking if he could come over. Confused the heck out of the kids who just watched their Mom shave his head the night before and come in the door from giving him hugs and kisses goodbye with eyeballs full with tears.

My kids are so funny. That night, after I walked in, Brayden looks at me and says, "Mom, are you going to have a fit?". lol. "If it would do me any good, I just might", I said. Brooklynne being the sweet little girl she is simply comes and hugs me and reminds me it will be ok and he'll be home soon. It's so funny how they adapt.

I'm a very suck it up kind of person. Very rough on the outside, but I'm a softy for the right people on the inside. My bark is normally much worse than my bite. But I have one hell of a bark. When he left for Afghanistan last March I did what every girl does and went in my room and cried my eyes out. Brooklynne comes in and asks me, "Mommy, what's wrong with your heart?". I tell her, "It just left for Afghanistan." Brooklynne, being her mother's daughter, tells me, "well Mommy, crying isn't going to make him come home, so you might as well stop." God I love that girl.

Moving right along....I start physical therapy tomorrow morning. Shoulder feels great actually. I can feel the twinges of it healing and it gets sore but my range of motion is great and I've even been running on the treadmill at the gym. I've gained a few lbs since my boy came back in August, and I would like them to go away again. I'm still no where near the 200 some lbs that I was, but I can't get into my skinny jeans anymore, and that is just not acceptable.

I've been enjoying being home with my kids. Brooklynne gets her hearing aids next week. Bless her heart, she is so excited and I am so nervous that I will have to go up to her school and drop an elbow or two on some rotten first grader that teases her about them. Now that I know she has the hearing loss I am able to tell more and more in her speech. Funny how you don't think anything about it until you start to pay attention. Make no mistake though, that girl is smart, beautiful and so talented that I have no doubts that she will be nothing short of amazing when she gets her new ears and starts her speech therapy.

Brayden's behavior has dramatically improved over the last couple months. He doesn't hate me anymore, doesn't yell at me that he wants to live at his dad's, goes to bed like he's told and doesn't try to escape into my bed anymore. Brayden thrives on a schedule. He has to know what day it is, what time things are going to be, how much time he has for things, how many days until he goes to his dad's, and so on. I have to mark on a calendar important days for him because he is adamant that he has to know exactly how many days there are.

I've been figuring out the next step I want to take in my career while I'm off. I want to teach. I enjoy teaching, I've been told I'm fairly good at it and honestly, I think the more you teach something, the better you are at it. I've taught my daughter how to read echocardiogram's I've brought home and she could pretty much tell you every function of the body when she was 3. I got the paperwork to fill out to help start doing evaluating for the EMS program at the college. I need to drop those off. I'll start with the CPR instructor when the AHA gets their new guidelines around for instructor courses, then move on to ACLS and PALS. I'll take an NRP class the end of March and somewhere I'd like to find the pediatric critical care class.

I complain about the hours, the BS calls I have to go on and frankly, I have been getting really burnt out before my surgery. But I love my job, I really do. I love my co workers and I even love my bosses. No really, i do, lol. I think they mostly love me too, lol. Probably not so much when I have to call them and tell them my filter may have came off and I might have upset someone, but I've also been told, they wouldn't change me a bit. One of my bosses even told me I had a really good rep with the students at school and my partners all seem to enjoy working with me. And he appreciated that I never sent any of them to his office crying, so hey, I must not be so bad after all, lol.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. Pretty interesting ones, at least to me, from ER doc's and other critical care medics. I never knew there were so many! So I've been filling up my new nano that my super wonderful boyfriend got me. He's so good to me. God I love that man:)

Well that's enough for this posting I suppose. I start physical therapy tomorrow, yahoo. One more month and hopefully I'll be back on the road!

Dear Army..........

You suck. No really, you do. I would think I would be used to you stealing him from me every chance you get, and I am, mostly. I still hate it. At least this time he's not going to terrorist country, for that, I am thankful.

You are, however, about to put the one person I love more than anything through hell for a second time. I understand he is kind of a bad ass, and I've asked him if he could just start sucking at something so you wouldn't want him all the time but alas, he doesn't know the word failure and is the epitome of dedication.

Keep him safe, keep him sane, and send him back home to me soon please. Until the next time........

seriously?

Three days, I have three days of quality time left before I am without quality time for like at least 4 months. Our puppy decides that he wants to be on crack tonight and do everything in his power to make quality time not happen.

As soon as my boyfriend walks out the door. Little f**ker crawls up in my lap and goes to sleep. WTF.

I am not amused Barney. Not at all. 

of peace and love

So I met this boy a couple years ago. At first, I thought he was slightly odd and a bit on the quiet side. As our friendship evolved, he turned into my best friend. As our friendship grew even closer, I realized that I loved that boy, and he was everything I have ever dreamed of.  He's not the easiest person to figure out, but he is, without a doubt, that most amazing person I have ever met.

It's not because of the things he buys me, it's not because well, he's just nice to look at. It's not because it takes care of me. It's simply because he cares. When he has a lot of other places that he could be, he chooses to be with me. It's knowing that even when my life feels like it's falling apart, he cares and will do anything he can do to make it better, because he just wants me happy.

When I'm laying with him, I feel safe. I feel complete. Mostly, I feel love. I feel love like I never knew was possible. He's my best friend, and he makes my heart feel like it couldn't possibly fill up anymore.

Our relationship isn't without its issues. Mostly, the Army makes him have to leave me for months at a time and soon to be for a year. People ask how I do it, and sometimes, I don't know how I do it, I just do it.

The few hours that I have him here with me, are worth the thousands of hours that we will have to be apart. Those are the things I think about when he's gone. I remember our nights together. I remember how he feels, and I do dumb things like smell his pillowcase.

He got us a puppy named Barney that we both adore to help keep me company while he goes away. Barney will do a fine job of taking over as man of the house while he's away. But I will always be here when he gets back. Because this is where he belongs.

Relationships are never easy. God knows I know that. Ours is certainly one that has it's obstacles. But at least this time, it's always worth it in the end.

Are we there yet?

As much as I am enjoying my time off, I really can't wait until I am not the one armed wonder again. Took the god awful bandage of my shoulder. Now I only have steri strips to make me crazy for however long.

Been looking at hobbies to keep me entertained while I'm off and the bf is off in army world again for a few months. He thinks I need one, and well, he's probably right. I got looking at stained glass. I like glass, it's pretty and I think I would love working with it. We'll see what he thinks about it when I finally get to have a real conversation with him today or tomorrow.

Did too much around my house today. I finally had to make myself stop and put my sling on to remind me that I'm not supposed to be over doing it.

I'm sitting here watching How I Met Your Mother, I find it pretty entertaining that Neil Patrick Harris is a big whore on this show, well with the ladies, at least. I think the best I've ever seen of him was in Harold and Kumar. I love that movie!

I'm really tired tonight for some reason, don't really like it. Think I'm going to go find a movie or play the Wii or something.

So you think I should blog?

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Jen. To those that work with me that translates to JMFRDCCEMT-PT aka Jen Motha F**kin Real Deal Critical Care Paramedic Turner. That title was bestowed on me by Ben and Josh. They apparently think I am quite the big deal. I won't deny them that, because well, I just might be. As a matter of fact, yes, yes I am quite the big deal:)

I'm 37, I work a non traditional job with non traditional hours. I'm in love with a soldier who is also my best friend. Life without him, is incomplete at best. I have a 7 year old little girl named Brooklynne who is the spitting image of me and a soon to be 6 year old little boy named Brayden who is quite the character. And we can't forget Barney, the 13 week old Jack Russell puppy who is full of love and lots of energy.

Life is a challenge, and I have lots to say. I love my job, some days more than other. I love my kids, some days more than others. And we could say the same for my boyfriend to, but I love him mostly the same everyday.

I recently had shoulder surgery to repair the damage of many years in healthcare work and 5 years with a busy ambulance service have done to it and decided I needed something to do for the next couple months. I've been told multiple times I need to start a blog, because I guess people like to see what I have to say.
So today, they get their wish.

It's late and I'm tired, so check back for the first "official" blog tomorrow. It's bed time for this girl.