I wish I had a normal job, with normal hours, a boyfriend who stayed in the country and didn't always keep things from me because he thinks it's easier on me, I wish I never had to see a mother cry because she just got told her son is probably going to die from the large amount of blood bleeding inside his brain for no good reason at the age of 21, I wish I never had to feel helpless because no amount of skill or training can prevent the inevitable. Best case scenario many times, I am only giving someone a pulse to go along with the tube down their throat that is breathing for them long enough for their family to come see this person this way, for their last memory of this person they love lying helpless in a bed before someone tells them there is no hope.
I wish my children could understand how much I love them, and how much I miss them when I'm away from them. I wish my boyfriend could understand that I will always love him, no matter where he is, the things he has done, the things he has seen, the things he won't tell me and how long he is away. He is my best friend, the only man I've ever had in my life that ever cared enough to make sure I am taken care of. He's the only one that has ever made me a priority in his life and even though I don't hear the words I love you often from him, I've never doubted it. Not once.
Sometimes, like today, I just want to quit. Everyone seems to see this hard shell of a woman, but some days, I just want to say fuck this. I don't want to play any more. I want to stay home and take care of my kids so in the event that I am on the receiving end of the "I'm sorry but your child will not make it" speech, I won't feel like I've spent all my time working hours and hours, instead of being with them.
I want to be a soccer mom, I hate being a single mother. I hate that some girls sit around and collect child support while my ex won't work and then tells me I need to spend more time with the kids. That's a great idea, how about you cough up the extra money you are supposed to pay a month so I can.
I hate the fact that I filed bankruptcy so I could get ahead and instead I'm back in a hole because my son and I had surgery and my insurance sucks. I hate that my boyfriend is 25 and takes care of me. I feel like a loser and it makes my stomach turn when he gives me money to help me out.
I hate not knowing when he's going to leave or if I will ever see him again. He's the most amazing, yet most complicated man I've ever known. Without him, I think I would forget how to breathe.
So many things in my life I just hate, but at the same time, the things that make me most nuts are the things that keep me from losing it.
I play a pretty good bad ass, but inside, I'm really just a very well self trained actress. Right now, I feel like I could lose my shit at any moment. The only person here to know it is the dog, and he's not talking.
