I wish I had a normal job, with normal hours, a boyfriend who stayed in the country and didn't always keep things from me because he thinks it's easier on me, I wish I never had to see a mother cry because she just got told her son is probably going to die from the large amount of blood bleeding inside his brain for no good reason at the age of 21, I wish I never had to feel helpless because no amount of skill or training can prevent the inevitable. Best case scenario many times, I am only giving someone a pulse to go along with the tube down their throat that is breathing for them long enough for their family to come see this person this way, for their last memory of this person they love lying helpless in a bed before someone tells them there is no hope.
I wish my children could understand how much I love them, and how much I miss them when I'm away from them. I wish my boyfriend could understand that I will always love him, no matter where he is, the things he has done, the things he has seen, the things he won't tell me and how long he is away. He is my best friend, the only man I've ever had in my life that ever cared enough to make sure I am taken care of. He's the only one that has ever made me a priority in his life and even though I don't hear the words I love you often from him, I've never doubted it. Not once.
Sometimes, like today, I just want to quit. Everyone seems to see this hard shell of a woman, but some days, I just want to say fuck this. I don't want to play any more. I want to stay home and take care of my kids so in the event that I am on the receiving end of the "I'm sorry but your child will not make it" speech, I won't feel like I've spent all my time working hours and hours, instead of being with them.
I want to be a soccer mom, I hate being a single mother. I hate that some girls sit around and collect child support while my ex won't work and then tells me I need to spend more time with the kids. That's a great idea, how about you cough up the extra money you are supposed to pay a month so I can.
I hate the fact that I filed bankruptcy so I could get ahead and instead I'm back in a hole because my son and I had surgery and my insurance sucks. I hate that my boyfriend is 25 and takes care of me. I feel like a loser and it makes my stomach turn when he gives me money to help me out.
I hate not knowing when he's going to leave or if I will ever see him again. He's the most amazing, yet most complicated man I've ever known. Without him, I think I would forget how to breathe.
So many things in my life I just hate, but at the same time, the things that make me most nuts are the things that keep me from losing it.
I play a pretty good bad ass, but inside, I'm really just a very well self trained actress. Right now, I feel like I could lose my shit at any moment. The only person here to know it is the dog, and he's not talking.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Tattoo'd on my birthday
As I was sitting in the train station pissed off because I had just missed my train home, I received a text message telling me Happy Birthday. It was from him, he was home, and he didn't tell me he was coming home. Best birthday present, EVER.
It's 6 am and these are the things I think about............
First off, WTF is wrong with kids these days? Brooklynne got her hearing aids last week like she was soooo excited about. Pretty little baby pink hearing aids with bubble gum pink ear molds with pink glitter with white kitty stickers she so eagerly put on them to claim them as her own. Finally, my daughter can hear the world as it was meant to be heard.
We have a fairly quiet ride back to Battle Creek from Kalamazoo. I ask her if she has any questions before I take her to school and she says no. I explain to her things may seem loud right now, but she will get used to it and she is really only hearing what she hasn't heard before. As I sign her into school nervously, I notice she seems a tad nervous herself. My motherly instinct wants to stay with her and make sure her protective bubble stays in tact, but of course, that's not possible. I give her a hug and a kiss, and she's on her own.
She comes home from school and tells me everything went just fine. Mike had to leave for his drill that night, but stayed long enough to see them and to see how her day went. She tells us that the kids liked them, that a teacher came in and explained to the class what Brooklynne's hearing aids were and why she had them. Brooklynne even got a stuffed otter from the hearing aid place with his own hearing aids. She isn't happy about him being a boy though, and stripped him of his clothes and has been making paper dresses and bows for her otter. Easy enough sex change, I suppose.
Then comes the snow day and the meltdown inside the house when there is a foot of snow outside.
Brooklynne begins crying her eyes out and bares her sweet soul to be about a little girl named Kennedy who told Brooklynne at recess that her hearing aids were ugly and went around to other little girls trying to get them to think they were ugly to. Now, my sweet little princess has went from an excited little girl who can finally hear to a self conscious crying 7 year old who thinks she is ugly and hates her life. She seriously told me, she hates her life. I instantly want to march down to Kennedy's house and ring her little neck. My heart is broken in a million pieces for my little girl. She is crying and crying. Wants to know why no one else has them, why no one in the family has them (except grandma), she doesn't want to be the only one in her class with them, she thinks she is ugly and no one is going to want to be friends with her now.
Dear Miss Kennedy, I have went on suicides of teenagers because of rotten comments like yours. There are no words I can use to describe having to look at a parent of a child who has just walked in to find their son or daughter dead because of the bullying they have gotten at school because of kids like you. I realize you are young, and I made sure the issue has been addressed but I promise you, I am not a mother to be reckoned with and NO ONE will bully my child. You will not like the discussion I have with your parents if I hear of such comments being made toward my daughter again.
See, I was always that kid that stuck up for those that were different. I was popular, but not because I was in the "clique", I was popular because I was in everybody's "clique". It truly amazes me how young kids are starting with this stuff now a days. I mean, really, it's horrible. Just horrible.
My heart breaks for her because I wonder how many times she is going to have to deal with this. I can only hope that she will truly see how beautiful she is and that girls like Kennedy, don't matter. Girls like her are insignificant little nothings who don't realize that their whole world can change in an instant. My job keeps me from being jaded in that way. I've watched so many lives changed in a matter of moments and I've been the one to deliver the news multiple times that despite my best efforts, their loved one's heart would not start beating again. I've delivered the news to a wife of a WWII vet that the noise she heard from her front yard in her back yard was not her husband of 63 years falling, it was the sound of a revolver that he just put to his head because he was afraid of going to a nursing home and becoming a burden. It sucks, there are no other words for it other than, it sucks. I do that job 12 plus hours a day, 4 days a week.
When Mike was still deployed I remember one weekend that just sucked, and I mean SUCKED at work. 2 working cardiac arrests (meaning we did CPR, defibrillated, gave drugs, intubated, got pulses back and transported, the works) and 2 pretty severe trauma's. Those calls are fun really, and it's what I'm trained for, but it's draining. Mentally and physically, I was spent. I felt like I had just went 8 rounds with Tyson. Now imagine my boy overseas doing that days and days on end, non stop with no sleep and the people that are getting hurt and dying around you aren't people that you only just met because someone called 911 for help, they are your brothers that you live with. I can't even begin to imagine it.
Life is precious and so are the people that you have in it. When you think you have it bad, suck it up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Treat other's like you would want to be treated. Mostly, don't be an asshole unless the person really deserves it, because you never know what's coming around the corner next for you.
We have a fairly quiet ride back to Battle Creek from Kalamazoo. I ask her if she has any questions before I take her to school and she says no. I explain to her things may seem loud right now, but she will get used to it and she is really only hearing what she hasn't heard before. As I sign her into school nervously, I notice she seems a tad nervous herself. My motherly instinct wants to stay with her and make sure her protective bubble stays in tact, but of course, that's not possible. I give her a hug and a kiss, and she's on her own.
She comes home from school and tells me everything went just fine. Mike had to leave for his drill that night, but stayed long enough to see them and to see how her day went. She tells us that the kids liked them, that a teacher came in and explained to the class what Brooklynne's hearing aids were and why she had them. Brooklynne even got a stuffed otter from the hearing aid place with his own hearing aids. She isn't happy about him being a boy though, and stripped him of his clothes and has been making paper dresses and bows for her otter. Easy enough sex change, I suppose.
Then comes the snow day and the meltdown inside the house when there is a foot of snow outside.
Brooklynne begins crying her eyes out and bares her sweet soul to be about a little girl named Kennedy who told Brooklynne at recess that her hearing aids were ugly and went around to other little girls trying to get them to think they were ugly to. Now, my sweet little princess has went from an excited little girl who can finally hear to a self conscious crying 7 year old who thinks she is ugly and hates her life. She seriously told me, she hates her life. I instantly want to march down to Kennedy's house and ring her little neck. My heart is broken in a million pieces for my little girl. She is crying and crying. Wants to know why no one else has them, why no one in the family has them (except grandma), she doesn't want to be the only one in her class with them, she thinks she is ugly and no one is going to want to be friends with her now.
Dear Miss Kennedy, I have went on suicides of teenagers because of rotten comments like yours. There are no words I can use to describe having to look at a parent of a child who has just walked in to find their son or daughter dead because of the bullying they have gotten at school because of kids like you. I realize you are young, and I made sure the issue has been addressed but I promise you, I am not a mother to be reckoned with and NO ONE will bully my child. You will not like the discussion I have with your parents if I hear of such comments being made toward my daughter again.
See, I was always that kid that stuck up for those that were different. I was popular, but not because I was in the "clique", I was popular because I was in everybody's "clique". It truly amazes me how young kids are starting with this stuff now a days. I mean, really, it's horrible. Just horrible.
My heart breaks for her because I wonder how many times she is going to have to deal with this. I can only hope that she will truly see how beautiful she is and that girls like Kennedy, don't matter. Girls like her are insignificant little nothings who don't realize that their whole world can change in an instant. My job keeps me from being jaded in that way. I've watched so many lives changed in a matter of moments and I've been the one to deliver the news multiple times that despite my best efforts, their loved one's heart would not start beating again. I've delivered the news to a wife of a WWII vet that the noise she heard from her front yard in her back yard was not her husband of 63 years falling, it was the sound of a revolver that he just put to his head because he was afraid of going to a nursing home and becoming a burden. It sucks, there are no other words for it other than, it sucks. I do that job 12 plus hours a day, 4 days a week.
When Mike was still deployed I remember one weekend that just sucked, and I mean SUCKED at work. 2 working cardiac arrests (meaning we did CPR, defibrillated, gave drugs, intubated, got pulses back and transported, the works) and 2 pretty severe trauma's. Those calls are fun really, and it's what I'm trained for, but it's draining. Mentally and physically, I was spent. I felt like I had just went 8 rounds with Tyson. Now imagine my boy overseas doing that days and days on end, non stop with no sleep and the people that are getting hurt and dying around you aren't people that you only just met because someone called 911 for help, they are your brothers that you live with. I can't even begin to imagine it.
Life is precious and so are the people that you have in it. When you think you have it bad, suck it up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Treat other's like you would want to be treated. Mostly, don't be an asshole unless the person really deserves it, because you never know what's coming around the corner next for you.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sometimes you just gotta let it go........
So I've been pretty much been freaking out about my relationship for that last month or so. It's one of those, if it's too good to be true, it probably is scenario's. Everything seems so perfect, that you have your guard up because you're constantly waiting for the other foot to drop and your happy ending is going to get ripped away from you.
Now, I did have somewhat of a reason to be panicky that I won't really get into but in the end what I have is this amazing guy who loves me and would do anything in the world to take care of me and keep me safe. I may not understand everything he does, why he says (or doesn't say) the things he does sometimes, and I may not like the way he has such a need to keep everything so private but I've never had to question how he really felt about me.
He didn't end up leaving like he was going to for a few months. I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I was to get the phone call before he was supposed to get on the plane telling me he wasn't going and asking if he could come over. Confused the heck out of the kids who just watched their Mom shave his head the night before and come in the door from giving him hugs and kisses goodbye with eyeballs full with tears.
My kids are so funny. That night, after I walked in, Brayden looks at me and says, "Mom, are you going to have a fit?". lol. "If it would do me any good, I just might", I said. Brooklynne being the sweet little girl she is simply comes and hugs me and reminds me it will be ok and he'll be home soon. It's so funny how they adapt.
I'm a very suck it up kind of person. Very rough on the outside, but I'm a softy for the right people on the inside. My bark is normally much worse than my bite. But I have one hell of a bark. When he left for Afghanistan last March I did what every girl does and went in my room and cried my eyes out. Brooklynne comes in and asks me, "Mommy, what's wrong with your heart?". I tell her, "It just left for Afghanistan." Brooklynne, being her mother's daughter, tells me, "well Mommy, crying isn't going to make him come home, so you might as well stop." God I love that girl.
Moving right along....I start physical therapy tomorrow morning. Shoulder feels great actually. I can feel the twinges of it healing and it gets sore but my range of motion is great and I've even been running on the treadmill at the gym. I've gained a few lbs since my boy came back in August, and I would like them to go away again. I'm still no where near the 200 some lbs that I was, but I can't get into my skinny jeans anymore, and that is just not acceptable.
I've been enjoying being home with my kids. Brooklynne gets her hearing aids next week. Bless her heart, she is so excited and I am so nervous that I will have to go up to her school and drop an elbow or two on some rotten first grader that teases her about them. Now that I know she has the hearing loss I am able to tell more and more in her speech. Funny how you don't think anything about it until you start to pay attention. Make no mistake though, that girl is smart, beautiful and so talented that I have no doubts that she will be nothing short of amazing when she gets her new ears and starts her speech therapy.
Brayden's behavior has dramatically improved over the last couple months. He doesn't hate me anymore, doesn't yell at me that he wants to live at his dad's, goes to bed like he's told and doesn't try to escape into my bed anymore. Brayden thrives on a schedule. He has to know what day it is, what time things are going to be, how much time he has for things, how many days until he goes to his dad's, and so on. I have to mark on a calendar important days for him because he is adamant that he has to know exactly how many days there are.
I've been figuring out the next step I want to take in my career while I'm off. I want to teach. I enjoy teaching, I've been told I'm fairly good at it and honestly, I think the more you teach something, the better you are at it. I've taught my daughter how to read echocardiogram's I've brought home and she could pretty much tell you every function of the body when she was 3. I got the paperwork to fill out to help start doing evaluating for the EMS program at the college. I need to drop those off. I'll start with the CPR instructor when the AHA gets their new guidelines around for instructor courses, then move on to ACLS and PALS. I'll take an NRP class the end of March and somewhere I'd like to find the pediatric critical care class.
I complain about the hours, the BS calls I have to go on and frankly, I have been getting really burnt out before my surgery. But I love my job, I really do. I love my co workers and I even love my bosses. No really, i do, lol. I think they mostly love me too, lol. Probably not so much when I have to call them and tell them my filter may have came off and I might have upset someone, but I've also been told, they wouldn't change me a bit. One of my bosses even told me I had a really good rep with the students at school and my partners all seem to enjoy working with me. And he appreciated that I never sent any of them to his office crying, so hey, I must not be so bad after all, lol.
I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. Pretty interesting ones, at least to me, from ER doc's and other critical care medics. I never knew there were so many! So I've been filling up my new nano that my super wonderful boyfriend got me. He's so good to me. God I love that man:)
Well that's enough for this posting I suppose. I start physical therapy tomorrow, yahoo. One more month and hopefully I'll be back on the road!
Now, I did have somewhat of a reason to be panicky that I won't really get into but in the end what I have is this amazing guy who loves me and would do anything in the world to take care of me and keep me safe. I may not understand everything he does, why he says (or doesn't say) the things he does sometimes, and I may not like the way he has such a need to keep everything so private but I've never had to question how he really felt about me.
He didn't end up leaving like he was going to for a few months. I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I was to get the phone call before he was supposed to get on the plane telling me he wasn't going and asking if he could come over. Confused the heck out of the kids who just watched their Mom shave his head the night before and come in the door from giving him hugs and kisses goodbye with eyeballs full with tears.
My kids are so funny. That night, after I walked in, Brayden looks at me and says, "Mom, are you going to have a fit?". lol. "If it would do me any good, I just might", I said. Brooklynne being the sweet little girl she is simply comes and hugs me and reminds me it will be ok and he'll be home soon. It's so funny how they adapt.
I'm a very suck it up kind of person. Very rough on the outside, but I'm a softy for the right people on the inside. My bark is normally much worse than my bite. But I have one hell of a bark. When he left for Afghanistan last March I did what every girl does and went in my room and cried my eyes out. Brooklynne comes in and asks me, "Mommy, what's wrong with your heart?". I tell her, "It just left for Afghanistan." Brooklynne, being her mother's daughter, tells me, "well Mommy, crying isn't going to make him come home, so you might as well stop." God I love that girl.
Moving right along....I start physical therapy tomorrow morning. Shoulder feels great actually. I can feel the twinges of it healing and it gets sore but my range of motion is great and I've even been running on the treadmill at the gym. I've gained a few lbs since my boy came back in August, and I would like them to go away again. I'm still no where near the 200 some lbs that I was, but I can't get into my skinny jeans anymore, and that is just not acceptable.
I've been enjoying being home with my kids. Brooklynne gets her hearing aids next week. Bless her heart, she is so excited and I am so nervous that I will have to go up to her school and drop an elbow or two on some rotten first grader that teases her about them. Now that I know she has the hearing loss I am able to tell more and more in her speech. Funny how you don't think anything about it until you start to pay attention. Make no mistake though, that girl is smart, beautiful and so talented that I have no doubts that she will be nothing short of amazing when she gets her new ears and starts her speech therapy.
Brayden's behavior has dramatically improved over the last couple months. He doesn't hate me anymore, doesn't yell at me that he wants to live at his dad's, goes to bed like he's told and doesn't try to escape into my bed anymore. Brayden thrives on a schedule. He has to know what day it is, what time things are going to be, how much time he has for things, how many days until he goes to his dad's, and so on. I have to mark on a calendar important days for him because he is adamant that he has to know exactly how many days there are.
I've been figuring out the next step I want to take in my career while I'm off. I want to teach. I enjoy teaching, I've been told I'm fairly good at it and honestly, I think the more you teach something, the better you are at it. I've taught my daughter how to read echocardiogram's I've brought home and she could pretty much tell you every function of the body when she was 3. I got the paperwork to fill out to help start doing evaluating for the EMS program at the college. I need to drop those off. I'll start with the CPR instructor when the AHA gets their new guidelines around for instructor courses, then move on to ACLS and PALS. I'll take an NRP class the end of March and somewhere I'd like to find the pediatric critical care class.
I complain about the hours, the BS calls I have to go on and frankly, I have been getting really burnt out before my surgery. But I love my job, I really do. I love my co workers and I even love my bosses. No really, i do, lol. I think they mostly love me too, lol. Probably not so much when I have to call them and tell them my filter may have came off and I might have upset someone, but I've also been told, they wouldn't change me a bit. One of my bosses even told me I had a really good rep with the students at school and my partners all seem to enjoy working with me. And he appreciated that I never sent any of them to his office crying, so hey, I must not be so bad after all, lol.
I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. Pretty interesting ones, at least to me, from ER doc's and other critical care medics. I never knew there were so many! So I've been filling up my new nano that my super wonderful boyfriend got me. He's so good to me. God I love that man:)
Well that's enough for this posting I suppose. I start physical therapy tomorrow, yahoo. One more month and hopefully I'll be back on the road!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Dear Army..........
You suck. No really, you do. I would think I would be used to you stealing him from me every chance you get, and I am, mostly. I still hate it. At least this time he's not going to terrorist country, for that, I am thankful.
You are, however, about to put the one person I love more than anything through hell for a second time. I understand he is kind of a bad ass, and I've asked him if he could just start sucking at something so you wouldn't want him all the time but alas, he doesn't know the word failure and is the epitome of dedication.
Keep him safe, keep him sane, and send him back home to me soon please. Until the next time........
You are, however, about to put the one person I love more than anything through hell for a second time. I understand he is kind of a bad ass, and I've asked him if he could just start sucking at something so you wouldn't want him all the time but alas, he doesn't know the word failure and is the epitome of dedication.
Keep him safe, keep him sane, and send him back home to me soon please. Until the next time........
Monday, January 10, 2011
seriously?
Three days, I have three days of quality time left before I am without quality time for like at least 4 months. Our puppy decides that he wants to be on crack tonight and do everything in his power to make quality time not happen.
As soon as my boyfriend walks out the door. Little f**ker crawls up in my lap and goes to sleep. WTF.
I am not amused Barney. Not at all.
As soon as my boyfriend walks out the door. Little f**ker crawls up in my lap and goes to sleep. WTF.
I am not amused Barney. Not at all.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
of peace and love
So I met this boy a couple years ago. At first, I thought he was slightly odd and a bit on the quiet side. As our friendship evolved, he turned into my best friend. As our friendship grew even closer, I realized that I loved that boy, and he was everything I have ever dreamed of. He's not the easiest person to figure out, but he is, without a doubt, that most amazing person I have ever met.
It's not because of the things he buys me, it's not because well, he's just nice to look at. It's not because it takes care of me. It's simply because he cares. When he has a lot of other places that he could be, he chooses to be with me. It's knowing that even when my life feels like it's falling apart, he cares and will do anything he can do to make it better, because he just wants me happy.
When I'm laying with him, I feel safe. I feel complete. Mostly, I feel love. I feel love like I never knew was possible. He's my best friend, and he makes my heart feel like it couldn't possibly fill up anymore.
Our relationship isn't without its issues. Mostly, the Army makes him have to leave me for months at a time and soon to be for a year. People ask how I do it, and sometimes, I don't know how I do it, I just do it.
The few hours that I have him here with me, are worth the thousands of hours that we will have to be apart. Those are the things I think about when he's gone. I remember our nights together. I remember how he feels, and I do dumb things like smell his pillowcase.
He got us a puppy named Barney that we both adore to help keep me company while he goes away. Barney will do a fine job of taking over as man of the house while he's away. But I will always be here when he gets back. Because this is where he belongs.
Relationships are never easy. God knows I know that. Ours is certainly one that has it's obstacles. But at least this time, it's always worth it in the end.
It's not because of the things he buys me, it's not because well, he's just nice to look at. It's not because it takes care of me. It's simply because he cares. When he has a lot of other places that he could be, he chooses to be with me. It's knowing that even when my life feels like it's falling apart, he cares and will do anything he can do to make it better, because he just wants me happy.
When I'm laying with him, I feel safe. I feel complete. Mostly, I feel love. I feel love like I never knew was possible. He's my best friend, and he makes my heart feel like it couldn't possibly fill up anymore.
Our relationship isn't without its issues. Mostly, the Army makes him have to leave me for months at a time and soon to be for a year. People ask how I do it, and sometimes, I don't know how I do it, I just do it.
The few hours that I have him here with me, are worth the thousands of hours that we will have to be apart. Those are the things I think about when he's gone. I remember our nights together. I remember how he feels, and I do dumb things like smell his pillowcase.
He got us a puppy named Barney that we both adore to help keep me company while he goes away. Barney will do a fine job of taking over as man of the house while he's away. But I will always be here when he gets back. Because this is where he belongs.
Relationships are never easy. God knows I know that. Ours is certainly one that has it's obstacles. But at least this time, it's always worth it in the end.
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